by Jojo Fresnedi, BS Psychology batch 1979
At the Paco’s Place Podcast in LA., I hastily replied, “NO. I don’t think so,” then I burst into laughter.
Why? Because I do. On and off. More importantly, questions about parenting shouldn’t be answered by parents alone. They should be answered by children.
Some years ago, a college classmate invited me to address a group of parents in a big school in Tondo, Manila. I turned down the invitation twice. I didn’t think I knew enough about parenting. Rhodora & I try our best. There are some things we do that seem to work, but we make mistakes, lots of them. What lessons can I share? Not many, I thought. My friend was persistent. Public education was her advocacy, and she could use some help, she told me. I finally relented, but with one condition – I would “share” what we do and not “teach.” She agreed.
In preparation for my talk, I consulted our children. Jesse was in college, Juliene in 11th Grade, Jason in 7th Grade. I asked them, “What do I do well as a parent? What do you wish I could do better?”
They gave me high marks for helping them at school. They appreciated my ideas; that I sat down with them for their homework; and helped them with their school projects. They cited my penchant for scouring our home library, picking out a book, & marking the exact page they needed for an essay or report. They missed that help the most when they left for college.
These days they’re the ones sending me articles & books to keep me updated. They have become my teachers and, I, their student.
I took them to musicals, ballet and the opera. We hang out in science museums, art galleries, and bookstores. We hiked mountains and forests. “We liked that you’re always present for us, they said.” This was a combination of timing & desire. I was retired when they were growing up was lucky to have the time. But I also decided I’d be a house husband, so I could be with them when they needed me most. I was there for every parent-teacher conference, school program, sports competition, and day-to-day joys or problems. They said, “Sometimes you’re corny, but you’re funny most of the time. We enjoy your stories. You make fun of everything! When something’s happening outside school, and you think it’s important, you’re the one who tells us, ‘Skip school.’ You introduced us to Eminem, Absolut vodka, and Jonathan Carroll. You’re not only our father, but you’re our buddy, too.”
And what didn’t they like?
When I snapped and snarled at them. I went back to work after my first retirement and didn’t anticipate the load and the pace. I passed on the stress to them. I brought work home & my teleconferences extended till late at night. I was inaccessible and horribly impatient. I lost my sense of humor & became unforgiving.
I resigned after three years. They told me they celebrated quietly. “We have him back!”
We were traveling by train once. The three wanted window seats and got them because the train wasn’t full. It was a 4-hour trip, so I stayed with Jesse for a while, moved on to Juliene, then to Jason, before I settled with Rhodora. I didn’t realize an old woman was watching. She told me, “I see what you’re doing. How lovely of you …”
Rhodora & I were clear about one thing from the start. We weren’t going to behave like, “These are our children. Therefore we want them to be X. It was their lives, and it would be their choices.
We apply pressure in two areas: preparedness & carelessness. No excuses if they were given time to prepare for something and did not. Failure to prepare is preparing to fail. Carelessness is likewise inexcusable. We value careful thought & careful action. We make lots of mistakes not because we don’t know, but because we’re careless. Expectations in the family are high, as they should be. It was never about reaching this or that, however. Nor was it about being #1 or competing. It was about going as far as one can be given what they have and doing what they love. If the expectations are high, so is our support. We remind them of John Burroughs’ quote, “Leap and the net will appear.” We cannot do the leaping for them, but we will surely spread the net for as long as we are around.